Lost Lover
With only tiny bits of plastic bound together by string to remember you
“Think of it as a gift. You'll remember me when you look at it”
Memories of nights on a boat dock
That we snuck onto
Laying under the stars in Guatemala
Exchanging words and breathe
Inconsistencies of life
The unfairness of it all
And the gratitude we both had to be in that moment
Fingers intertwined
Guarded vulnerabilities exchanged between souls
Bare and naked
Exposed
Now with miles of distance in between
And the remnants of your finger tracing on my skin
With only tiny bits of plastic bound together by string to remember you
I like the intimate tone of the poem. The "we" voice makes it sound like a lover communicating to another, placing the reader in the position of fly on the wall to the conversation, which is engaging. I like the parts that I can see and feel, such as "Laying under the stars in Central America" (although why not give the country? and "finger tracing on my skin."
ReplyDeleteMy main suggestion for improvment is to work on replacing the parts where you TELL rather than SHOW what is going on. Your poem is most effective when it is portrayed to the reader's inner eye and ear, so I recommend replacing the abstract lines with images that show rather than tell what must be portrayed.
Can you think of an image that can bring to life lines like these?
Inconsistencies of life
The unfairness of it all
and
Guarded vulnerabilities exchanged between souls
Bare and naked
Since you end with the same line as you begin with, the poem has a circular feel to it. But I wish I knew what the line referred to--what these tiny bits of plastic actually are or where they came from. It would be cool if I could see that memento more clearly. I can tell it is really important to the poem and to the speaker here.