Lost Lover



With only tiny bits of plastic bound together by string to remember you

“Think of it as a gift. You'll remember me when you look at it” 

Memories of nights on a boat dock 

That we snuck onto 

Laying under the stars in Guatemala

Exchanging words and breathe

Inconsistencies of life 

The unfairness of it all

And the gratitude we both had to be in that moment 

Fingers intertwined 

Guarded vulnerabilities exchanged between souls

Bare and naked 

Exposed 

Now with miles of distance in between 

And the remnants of your finger tracing on my skin  

With only tiny bits of plastic bound together by string to remember you




Comments

  1. I like the intimate tone of the poem. The "we" voice makes it sound like a lover communicating to another, placing the reader in the position of fly on the wall to the conversation, which is engaging. I like the parts that I can see and feel, such as "Laying under the stars in Central America" (although why not give the country? and "finger tracing on my skin."

    My main suggestion for improvment is to work on replacing the parts where you TELL rather than SHOW what is going on. Your poem is most effective when it is portrayed to the reader's inner eye and ear, so I recommend replacing the abstract lines with images that show rather than tell what must be portrayed.

    Can you think of an image that can bring to life lines like these?

    Inconsistencies of life
    The unfairness of it all

    and

    Guarded vulnerabilities exchanged between souls
    Bare and naked

    Since you end with the same line as you begin with, the poem has a circular feel to it. But I wish I knew what the line referred to--what these tiny bits of plastic actually are or where they came from. It would be cool if I could see that memento more clearly. I can tell it is really important to the poem and to the speaker here.

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