childish dreams
Childish Dreams
He woke me up again last night
Tapping me out of my dreams of playground crushes and playing cards
Quietly telling me that he is leaving, but not to worry
“I will be back in several days”
My heavy eyelids and wistful dreams take hold of me
Pulling me back into a peaceful sleep
The night fades away as the morning sun urges me awake
Carelessly rubbing the sleep from my eyes
Slowly pulling myself from my dreams and into reality
Only to realize not all of my dreams were fleeting images of my unconscious
“I will be back in several days”
Echoing in my head, pounding in my heart, streaming down my face
I listen for his voice in the house
A voice I can no longer recall
I can only hear the emptiness in his words
My waking pulls me into my dreaded reality
My legs quickly carry me to the stairs, ignoring the pain in my heart and the tears in my eyes
His oversized t shirt covering my knees
The rays of sun reflect off the snowy trees in the backyard
Shining right on my face
As if I am on stage
The spotlight of lies and disappointment burning through my childish expectations
I only see my mom
Throwing away his empty bottles and cleaning up from his harsh words
“I will be back in several days”
Knots tie over and over in my stomach
My hands tremble and become cold at the tips
My heart reflects the weather outside
Cold, barren, dark, and hopeless
Childish dreams are better than childish reality
Dreaming about playground crushes
And playing cards
Waking up to broken promises and a voice I can no longer remember
the ending is powerful because it leaves the reader with an expectation of some ominous darkness, and i love how the beginning parallels this ending. your imagery is strong and reminds me of the most torturous kind of pain: the lonely and real type. you aren't over-glorifying your sadness, you are speaking to is as a friend, which adds an interesting twist into the tone of your poem. i wonder if you can be a little bit more specific about the emotions you are feeling instead of just stating them-- give them personality and attributes that speak to the uniqueness of this experience; i think that will make the poem much stronger
ReplyDeleteThis is a good start to the class. The poem nicely reflects the lessons so far from the book, In the Palm of Your Hand, and you seems to be developing in the art of memory-based poetry.
ReplyDeleteThis poem is at its best when it is dwelling in concrete, descriptive language that shows rather than tells about the poem's emotions. It opens with a calm, reflective voice that pulls me in, but I do wonder why the speaker omits who the "he" is. Readers can only guess for a while, but later, when the "mom" character comes in, we are likely to suppose the "he" is the speaker's father--a father who travels a lot (too much).
This poem has some amazing lines, as well as some tired lines that use worn out language.
These are examples of phrases and lines that sparkle and give back to the reader:
"Tapping me out of my innocent dreams of playground crushes and playing cards" But definitely cut "innocent." You do not want to spoil this good line with a sentimental cliche like "innocent dreams," and you are already showing the innocence, so no need to tell about it.
Other good phrases or lines:
His oversized t shirt covering my knees
Childish dreams are better than childish reality
Knots tie over and over in my stomach
The rays of sun reflect off the snowy trees in the backyard
Throwing away his empty bottles and cleaning up from his harsh words
And here are some lines and phrases that are less fresh, more worn down, more abstract, and not as effective:
My heavy eyelids and wistful dreams take hold of me
The rush back into reality throws me into a tidal wave of emotion
My tears drench my shirt ["drench" overdoes it, and you never want to overdo tears in a poem]
Cold, barren, dark, and hopeless
the pain in my heart and the tears in my eyes
I recommend cutting about two thirds of all abstractions in the poem and trusting your descriptions to do the heavy lifting in the poem. Good start to the class!
I love how this poem begins with it occurring again, this was not the first time you felt this feeling. Your use of dialogue in this poem is powerful and it flows so naturally and poetically. I love the line “slowly pulling myself from my dreams and into reality” this really resonated with me. However I think the line would sound even better as slowly pulling myself from dreams into reality. The words my and and only block the flow of this amazing sentence. I love your uses of repetition here how the dialogue is repeating and the dream about playground crushes and playing cards all come back. I especially your powerful closing link of broken promises. However I would suggest you end it there, as you already empathized that you unfortunately dont recall this voice. I just think ending with broken promises really closes out with a bang. Beautiful and moving poem Chana.
DeleteWhen I first read this poem, I could feel the intensity of the moment. I could tell this was real and that it affected the poet. I like the use of dialogue, because I imagined hearing that, meaning you made good use of one of the five senses there. I really like the title, because it displays that this was during a time the speaker wakes up as a child in the middle of dreaming but also the naiveness of the speaker at the time when she was a child. I also think that the line, "the pain in my heart and the tears in my eyes" could be changed up a bit to be more showing than telling. I like the overall direction of this.
ReplyDeleteThis poem broke me. The line, 'A voice I can no longer recall', hit me. The mourning of his memory and his voluntary absence is almost worse than if he was actually dead (assumingly so) because he with a choice while those who pass leave with little to none. The intense feeling of anxiety with his oversized teacher hanging from your body is so poetic and relatable- I still wear my dads shirt to sleep most night, I can only imagine how difficult that would be for you today. Thank you for sharing such a traumatic piece of your mind.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this poem. It took me a few lines to really get into it but by the end I was tearing up. "Echoing in my head, pounding in my heart, streaming down my face" this line was my favorite. I just thought it was such a cool and unique way to describe the sound of someone's voice.
ReplyDelete